Eat out to h- oh Jesus no...
Exactly how much shite can one man buy on ebay? A newsletter to find out...
So regular readers will know that this newsletter is mostly about stupid stuff that my husband Lee has bought or done. This week, I did consider making the entire newsletter just consist of this photo, showing an invoice which accompanied a mysterious delivery last week…
That’s right. Hot on the heels of all the chat about ‘roasting season’ in the last newsletter, Lee went and ordered two kangaroos, two horses, two crocodiles, a ‘partially cooked ostrich fillet’ and 8-12 pairs of frogs legs.
It literally writes itself.
Given the historical stupidity which has played out behind our front door, I’m now at the point where I barely even comment on these kinds of ‘Surprise! Dead exotic animals!’ deliveries. It’s a bit like having a naughty puppy around (albeit one which spends eighty of your pounds on weird shit to eat) in that I probably should just ignore the bad behaviour and give wild praise and biscuits if ever he were to, oh, I don’t know, order something ANYTHING we do actually need. Like milk. Or bread. We need bread.
But as it was, after peeking into the giant box and reading this invoice, I just pretended that I hadn’t seen it and made no further reference to it. Last I saw, he’d jammed it all into the freezer like a weird dead Tetris, presumably in case things get really hairy in the next lockdown. There’s stockpiling, then there’s stockpiling horse. I don’t feel I’m there yet.
It’s not clear who exactly Lee thinks is going to be pleased at the prospect of eating all this. I used to be vegetarian. Our children, while not exactly fussy, could never be described in their eating habits as ‘adventurous’. For the first few years of my son’s life he heroically refused almost all foods except ‘HAM!’. My daughter practically weeps if you even speak the word ‘parsnip’. We’ve done our duty as parents insofar as we have trained them both how to eat a curry (essential parenting skill, make sure your children will partake in dinner when you are too lazy to cook them one) but I think they are going to draw the line at 8-12 frogs legs and a partially cooked giant running bird.
We did manage to finally trick our youngest into eating peanut butter this year by cleverly rebranding it as ‘satay’, it being the main ingredient in one of our favourite thai curries. It does mean hiding the peanut butter jar whenever he comes into the kitchen during the making of it, but this just goes to show that small children are idiots.
‘Do you want some peanut butter on toast?’
‘NO! No! It’s disgusting! Urgh!!’ *gagging noises. ‘What’s for dinner?’
*hopeful tone* ‘Satay chicken….”
“OH GOODY!!’
Maybe Lee is hoping to try a similar trick on me with the 8-12 frogs legs, but this suggests a degree of forward planning which I suspect has been completely eroded by his impulsive idiotic purchases over the years. I genuinely would not be surprised to find another box of tropical meat arriving, when he ‘forgets’ that he ordered this one.
Until such time, I’m popping out to get milk. Someone has to.
Here’s the good shit this week
Look, I know this is probably shorter than usual but in a matter of hours I’m buggering off to the Lake District to go walking for the weekend with some of my girlfriends. Despite the general shit show of the news these last weeks, there have been some funny and brilliant things which caught my eye I thought were worth sharing. (It’s worth pointing out that everything seems funnier when you’re not bed-bound with shingles). (Although not £80’s worth of exotic meat. That isn’t funny.)
Do you have a handsome and brilliant friend who is not only a fantastic husband, devoted father, and rather talented actor who occasionally sends you funny shit to cheer you up? No? Well, you’ll have to make do with whatever Lucas Calhoun sends me then won’t you, which this week was this absolute gem.
Following my recommendation last week of the Alan Partridge podcast, I very much enjoyed this picture.
On a first glance, this looks a bit niche, but I promise you that this guy’s videos will bring you quite a lot of joy. I’m not on tiktok because I’m a right old bitch, but found this via twitter - have a look.
If you find something funny, there’s a fair chance that all the other readers of this newsletter (hello to new subscribers this week!) are going to like it too. You can send me all your funny shit by just replying to this email like a normal one. If you’re me, that will be in a panic, about fifteen days after you receive it, but I won’t judge you. (I will judge you.)
On the note of new subscribers, I have some homework for you this week. Please consider forwarding this message and asking someone you know who might enjoy The What Now to sign up. Because I’m a maths genius, I’ve calculated that if every subscriber does this, I will double my subscribers overnight. That would be nice!
I’ll leave you this week with my exciting news, which is that I’m trying my hand writing for the BBC topical comedy news sketch show Newsjack again. The new series started last week, and I was pretty happy to hear that although my material didn’t make the final edit, it was included in the script and performed by the team. Onwards and upwards! The show goes out at 10pm on Thursdays.
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Who am I anyway?
I'm Lindsay. Bit of a dickhead, freelance writer for money, author of And Other Idiots and other internet shite for kicks. This newsletter will be a short story of some idiotic exploits from quite close to home, for no other reason than to make you smile every two weeks. Exactly how much shit can one man buy on Ebay? I intend to find out.
Find me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook too if that’s your bag. Made you laugh? I don’t get paid to write this, but you can show your appreciation and buy me a coffee.
I’d love for this newsletter to reach as many people as possible. Please do forward it on to any friends you think might enjoy it too and ask them to subscribe, and I always really love hearing reader feedback and suggestions for how to make it better, so if you have any brilliant ideas (or just want to invite me to parties) then just hit reply.
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