Fail 9: All that glitters...
Exactly how much shite can one man buy on ebay? A newsletter to find out.
Not leaving your house for weeks on end can do strange things to a person. Unfortunately for my husband, he didn't have this excuse a year ago, so there was absolutely no rational reason why he could explain to me why he'd bought it.
After wrestling it into the house, manhandling the enormous package onto the kitchen table, he began to unwrap it, slowly tearing the plastic open, revealing his latest purchase inside, inch by inch.
It quivered.
It expanded.
It was plumping itself up before our very eyes like a giant ball of bread dough.
He raised his eyes to me. I stared back, incredulous. There was a beat of silence. The birds outside stopped. Somewhere, in another room, our bank cards were laughing at us as they burst into flames.
Still it grew.
It was silver. Iridescent. Every inch of it was covered in shiny silver sequins.
A shaft of sunlight beamed directly from heaven onto its surface, sending a billion sparkling rays dancing back madly across the walls like a laser on a mirrorball, as somewhere I swear I heard a choir sing an alleluia chorus and an angel weeping.
Blinded by the dazzling light of the Almighty now radiating bizarrely from our kitchen table, I tried to guess at what on earth Lee had bought now, and more to the point, WHY. Had he robbed a circus? Deflated a disco-bound baby elephant? Finally captured Halley's comet??
"I've bought myself a new jacket!" he announced, proudly, adding somewhat unnecessarily, "It's a puffa!"
Yes. I could see this. If it continued puffing at this rate, we were going to need a bigger room very soon. And it wasn't just a puffa jacket. It was the biggest XXXL size puffa jacket on god's green earth, emblazoned all over with sequins and screaming absolutely everything except 'suitable for the school run' or even 'suitable for anyone not smacked off their tits at 4am in a festival field', for that matter.
At this point I should explain that Lee is a large man. 6'6" to be precise, and almost as wide. He already has problems fitting through some small doorways in our cottage, ducking and weaving his way around, so you can imagine that adding what looks like three cubic tons of puffa jacket into this mix is going to make him look like Andre the Giant. Except in this instance, you'd also have to imagine Andre the Giant was ferociously camp and on his way to Eurovision dressed as an 8-year old's interpretation of the glittering planet Jupiter; not just nipping down the road on the school run.
I gazed, speechless, at the enormous puffa, which by now had expanded to about the same size as an armchair, and was glimmering gently on the table between us.
'I suppose you'd better try it on then', I conceded, attempting to gather it up and hand it to him and immediately failing. A garment this size was aways going to be heavy, but the additional detail of being heavily armoured all over with sequins meant that it was basically like trying to pick up a cast iron suit of armour. But a disco one.
There was some discussion between us as to when he might be planning to wear this shining costume, all inconclusive. I found it hard to imagine he'd bought it specifically for the school run, but it became apparent that he had absolutely no qualms about wearing it to do so.
And so it came to pass, the next day. Lee, marching down the road blazing in the morning sun in a shining spherical ball of silver fire, like the glittering asteroid coming to wipe out the dinosaurs, except imagine that the asteroid was just chuckling quietly to himself, and the dinosaurs were blithely kicking a ball around the playground, unaware they were about to be dazzled to death by a metric tons worth of sequins.
I felt like I should have run ahead, shouting 'DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT!!!!', lest the children be actually blinded. It was the kind of grandiose entrance that in a movie would have been shot in slo-mo, with an operatic rendition of O Fortuna from Carmina Burana playing in the background as terrified parents dived for cover behind their cars, wondering if they were finally experiencing The Rapture.
As far as I know, this sparkling act of financial sabotage has only been worn this one time. Rumour has it that it is, actually, just Much Too Heavy, even for a man of Lee's superhuman size and strength to bear for more than a few minutes. Either that, or he's saving it for a more appropriate occasion - funeral for a unicorn, world's largest glitterball fancy dress, medieval battle re-enactments but set-dressed by RuPaul etc. Who knows.
I for one would love to borrow it. I just can't lift the bastard thing.
(This isn’t Lee. But it IS the same jacket…)
Making me laugh this week…
We’ve been in lockdown for a billion years now, I’ve forgotten what the next street looks like and also how to actually have a face to face conversation with anybody. But here’s a few things that have really made me smile lately…
No matter how many times I watch this video (and I’m not going to lie, it’s been a lot, what else is there to do?!) it never fails to put a smile on my face. Check it out…
Last night I caught most of the channel 4 programme The Mum Who Got Tourettes. As well as being laugh out loud funny at times, it was a genuinely moving and warm insight into one family, who all just seemed to deal with tourettes in the family with such humour and grace. I’d really recommend catching it, although absolutely not with your children anywhere in earshot, for obvious reasons…!
Some amusing goings-on on my family Whatsapp chat this week. Not only did my (breastfeeding) sister accidentally send the picture of her massive cleavage with commentary ‘look at my massive jugzz’ not just to me, but to the entire extended family, my brother also posted this quite amusing picture of some stray packaging which blew into his front garden when it was windy. WHAT ON EARTH COULD IT BE??
Finally, just wanted to say hello to all the new subscribers, as there’s been quite a few people signing up recently. I love hearing your thoughts and reactions to this newsletter, and you can reply just like a normal email if you have any suggestions of funny stuff to share. Please do also forward it on to your friends and ask them to subscribe if you think they too might enjoy hearing stories about a total internet stranger’s idiotic ebay habit.
Who am I anyway?
I'm Lindsay. Bit of a dickhead, freelance writer for money, author of And Other Idiots and other internet shite for kicks. This newsletter will be a short story of some idiotic exploits from quite close to home, for no other reason than to make you smile every two weeks. Exactly how much shit can one man buy on Ebay? I intend to find out.
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