Remember when I used to write you a newsletter, full of stupid stories about shit my husband bought? There would be some true tale about how my life was ridiculous, some amusing links I’d seen on twitter, and that would be 5 minutes of your life with a gentle distraction.
I’m really sorry you haven’t heard from me in so long. The truth is, since January I haven’t really been able to conjure up any mirth - not literally, or on the page. I’ve thought so many times about sitting down to write a newsletter but not really known where to start.
Because the thing is, this newsletter is just one slice of my life. There is another, bigger reality, a darker flipside to the amusing anecdotes and tales of recklessness. In January, I filed for divorce from Lee. Not because of anything either of us did ‘wrong’, but because at my core I am a person of truth, and somewhere deep in me I knew that being true wasn’t compatible with staying married to this person.
I didn’t ‘not love him’. I wanted more than anything to somehow just unpick the ‘being married’ bit while keeping the kind of friendship, ease and love you have for someone who is family, a love that had underpinned my life for the last eighteen years.
It hasn’t worked out that way. For reasons I still can’t fully grasp, I find myself dealing with a total stranger, a kind of toxic, acrimonious nightmare with a man who seems intent on burning to the ground any shred of what we once were to one another. Nothing is resolved, and my entire life is turned upside down now. He is acting in ways I would not have believed possible of anyone, let alone someone I have painted in these newsletters as fundamentally A Good Man.
So. I’m not sure how to carry on writing this newsletter. I want more than anything to still be here. I felt like I was on the way to building something with The What Now that I don’t want to lose. I can’t tell you how much it has meant over the years to hear back from every single person who replies, comments, likes and share this - it tells me that something I am doing is good, right, valuable. That writing matters somehow.
I do also know however that y’all didn’t sign up to hear about my misery. You wanted to be entertained! Amused! Delighted!
I know that to survive this trauma (and I’m not using that word lightly, I am deeply traumatised by these last months and what he is doing to me) I will need to write. So my question to you is - will you still stay here if I do that? It almost certainly won’t be quite what you signed up for. Some of it might still be amusing though. Some perhaps less so.
I’m not sure what or when normal service will resume, but I hope you stay with me. Let me know.
I’ll leave you with news that, due to our circumstances, I’m now living out of a bag for half of the week. It’s quite hard, lugging everything you need from one place to various others every few days. After some such nights away last week, I got to my giant shiny office after a two hour commute (more on this another time - I now have a Proper J.O.B. like a Real Girl). Unloading my laptop and charger from my handbag, greeting my new colleagues cheerily, I was surprised and horrified to discover that under all the equipment I seemed to have inadvertently brought an entire bottle of sauvignon blanc to work with me like some sort of enormous corporate pisshead. Sandwiches? Nope. Liquid lunch only.
Until next time….
About me
I’m Lindsay Butcher and I write words down for a living. [Now with added CORPORATE JOY/PAIN/EXISTENTIAL WOE!!] I’ll write for you too if you like? Commission me to be hilarious on your behalf…
Come follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram.
Want to read more? Check out previous newsletter editions here, or feast your brain on my blog AndOtherIdiots. It’s where I put my thoughts that are more thoughtful thoughts, not just stupid shit.
I don’t get paid to write this, but you can show your appreciation and buy me a coffee and/or just offer me free legal advice or buy me a house or whatever. Thanks.
Yikes. So sorry to hear everything has been turned upside down. Definitely still here for your excellent words whenever you feel you can; hope things settle down and work out in the best way for you.
I'm came across your newsletter after hearing you talk about it on LWS. What has always appealed to me about your writing is its realness. You are a beautiful storyteller. Whether you are telling stories with a lightness or stories that swirl in the darker depths of life, I want to read them. If you choose to share, I hope that writing also offers you some solace in return.