Trick or absolute treat...
Exactly how much shite can one man buy on Ebay? A newsletter to find out...
Look, I’m writing this edition of the newsletter for one reason only, and that is to tell you, no, instruct you or even COMMAND that you stop what you’re doing and watch Alma’s Not Normal on BBC iPlayer. It’s hands down the funniest thing I’ve watched since Fleabag – genuine honking out loud into an empty room kind of funny – and I think if you subscribed to this newsletter we probably are into similar sorts of funny, so there you go. Watch it.
Maybe it’s funnier if (like me) you’re northern, or genuinely find good swearing very amusing (which obviously I absolutely fucking do) but I watched the whole thing in one go last night and loved it. Even now as I’m writing this just thinking about the bit where Alma’s mum boils an egg made me laugh out loud. So trust me – this is my gift to you for the dark evenings ahead.
This week, rather than tell you about idiotic things that Lee’s bought, I thought that since Halloween is coming up, I would reflect back on stupid outfits we have worn in the name of fancy dress, beginning with this all time classic:
Now Lee is a man who tells anyone who will listen that he ‘hates fancy dress’ but given the amount of effort he went to to dress up as Cousin It, I beg to differ. He made this outfit himself. It entailed weeks searching the kind of very niche wool shops which only exist by some kind of quirk in the space-time continuum (WHO buys wool anymore??) for the exact shade of golden brown. The next issue was finding somewhere which had this exact shade of wool in quantities sufficient to fully clothe a 6’6” man from head to foot. Let me be frank - this equals a ridiculously large number of balls of yarn. He then spent every evening for a fortnight cutting and knotting the wool into this glorious costume. We later worked out meant he was wearing approximately 2 miles of wool. If it was a duvet, it would be rated to 3billion tog. It was the world’s warmest outfit, which is why about six minutes into the party we were at, he discarded it onto the floor, where it caused a trip hazard for the remainder of the night like a sinister looking pile of evil spaghetti.
No matter, though, because we are nothing if not versatile! Some months later, we did fancy dress for New Year’s Eve (MY BIRTHDAY, SEND PRESENTS etc). Eager to bump up the cost-per-wear rating of Cousin It, Lee realised that with only very minor tweaks - VOILA! Dougall from the magic roundabout:
Eagle eyed readers might spot that I make a fucking outrageously handsome Russell Brand by his side too. My brother’s wife assumed that I was my brother for the first 5 minutes of our arrival, such a good man/crackhead do I make (is this a good thing?) (For legal purposes I should clarify my bro is just a man, not a man/crackhead combo)
I bloody love fancy dress, and have spent many happy occasions dressed like an absolute DICK flailing around drunk in public. I thought I’d give you all a few of my best pointers in case you’re planning your own dressing up costumes for halloween this year…
1. Make it topical
There’s nothing exciting or interesting in dressing as a ‘sexy witch’ or ‘sexy cat’ or ‘sexy anything’ for that matter. Watch the news instead. Who’s trending? What’s happening out there in the world? The year I bought Primark’s largest bra, rammed a pillow down my arse (*and tied it with string to recreate a realistic arse crack, attention to detail is vital) and pinned a charity shop cocktail dress halfway down my tits was the year that Kim Kardashian broke the internet, and I am not going to lie, some of the most fun I have ever had. Fancy dress should make people laugh. Or at least make yourself laugh. Did I look like a twat? Yes. Did I have complete strangers falling on their knees in the streets and worshipping my giant Kardashian pillow-arse? Also yes. I win.
2. Have a prop
Good fancy dress outfits are only part of the story. You need to also have good props, so you can brandish them and yell LILOO DALLAS MULTIPASS!! as you elbow your way to the bar.
Fun fact: on this night dressed as the fifth element, my sister and I lost everyone else we were with, and had to piece together what had happened from a series of photos which look like a montage from the film The Hangover. The evidence shows us 1. fly tackling a stranger dressed as Ronald McDonald to the ground in the road 2. cramming ourselves into a tiny pub fireplace chimney neither of us recall ever seeing and, 3. Surrounded by knights of the round table (more strangers) being ceremonially knighted whilst kneeling in the empty 4am streets. Good times - it’s impossible not to have them whilst in fancy dress.
Lee and our mate Marc recently dressed as Doc and Marty Mcfly for Camp Bestival’s fancy dress day, taking ‘having a prop’ to ‘taking the piss’ proportions. Not only had Lee customised a mobility-scooter-powered festival trolley to play the Back to The Future soundtrack on repeat wherever we went, but had also hooked up a longboard on a tow-rope (longboard rebranded with a scaled-up version of Marty’s hoverboard graphic which he had specially printed) so he and Marc could recreate the important chase scenes from the films. Where they’re going, they don’t need roads…
3. Preparation is key
By the time you’re reading this newsletter you’ve probably not really left yourself enough time to Win Halloween with your costume brilliance. You need to plan this shit well in advance sometimes. You’ve got to think ahead. How else would Lee have had time to papier maché this giant robotic bug-eyed full face headpiece to transform our tiny son into Bender from Futurama?
4. Finally, make sure you can still drink your pint…
Apparently, The Stig does drink beer through a straw so this worked in Lee’s favour this time, but as costumes go, a full face helmet isn’t the easiest for getting your beer into your mouth. You live, you learn.
We have no plans for fancy dress this halloween although the children seem to have other, expensive, flammable, amazon-reliant ideas so we shall see… I welcome all pictures of your own brilliant fancy dress ideas, so hit reply with your best ones to amuse me!
What’s funny this week?
Well, assuming you’ve dutifully clicked the link at the top and watched Alma’s Not Normal already, here’s some other shit which has been making me smile this week…
First up, big thanks to my mate Emma who sent me this brilliant link thinking, correctly, that I would find it amusing. In fact, the whole site is brilliantly bonkers and amusingly written and worth a flick around if you’ve got time to waste reading the internet.
I discovered the very funny comedian Sean Burke this week via this amusing sketch he made and posted on twitter - take a look.
Speaking of comedy sketches, Facebook keeps on serving me content from the BBC Comedy channel unexpectedly, and there was just something about this sketch I absolutely loved - the performances are hilarious. It’s not a new premise, but think this is done really well, and it made me laugh a lot.
Also, THIS, because, well, bitch I’m Idris Elba…
That’s all for now! See you once the Christmas tv ad onslaught begins…
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Who am I anyway?
I'm Lindsay. Bit of a dickhead, freelance writer for money, author of And Other Idiots and other internet shite for kicks. This newsletter will be a short story of some idiotic exploits from quite close to home, for no other reason than to make you smile every two weeks. Exactly how much shit can one man buy on Ebay? I intend to find out.
Find me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook too if that’s your bag. Made you laugh? I don’t get paid to write this, but you can show your appreciation and buy me a coffee. Or commission me to write something with less swearing for you business? I’m nothing if not versatile.